monster loli's randomness

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bog

Stuck in the bog, moving just to sink more and be filled with the stench, no one helps you from the inside, the others are too far outside to help but their voices reach me and don't let me give up and sink completely. That's how this last semester was to me. Rafael Simón died and that's when from the bog's edge I started walking inside so easily. So I started to get soaked in the thoughts that death bring us and meanwhile i kept sinking getting to nowhere and doing nothing, starting to feel that nothing was worth it, or at least not finding a reason for anything in this world to be worth of existing. All of that started to numb me, I couldn't feel as I normally do, from my physical senses to my inner feelings, all of them clouded and I was becoming gray. I was even afraid of my own existance... Living where I live wasn't doing me any good either; it is a place where people make their own bog grow big and gets to the others. I could still see the lights coming from they who I was able to hear their voices, we communicated, sometimes some they where able to pull me out a bit, but never completely. My communication with them was getting worse and as the situations outside where changing and I started to feel left out, so I wasn't just drowning in my own stagnation but also some strings from where I was holding myself were getting cut; by me, by the others, by themselves. Then with immense feelings inside me, trying to get out, trying to let me know things they would just become hurtful and that would just numb me even more, even when sometimes they could get out and even appear to the others I could not handle them, as everything around so slippery and tangled, no beginning and no end. One of the others came closer, with a louder voice, giving me tools to get out; but I still needed to learn to use them. Another one finally threw fresh water to me, to my face and let me breathe, cut some strings pulling me to the bottom, and taking me next to her to grab the strength and knowledge to get out. Like that I could see it that I wasn't so deep inside the bog, and that mostly I was letting myself into it, letting it trap me. Now I'm out, but still next to it, and eventually I'll move to another land, but I'm sure I'll never forget being in the bog, and I shouldn't. And well, now outside I can go trough my thoughts and see them different, even finding them answers, and also coming to new questions. But the best, my senses are becoming more sensitive every time, and my feelings flow in a much more harmonic way. The worse about being trapped was that I missed things, and if I didn't they passed by me and I barely felt them. I regret things, and that's the worse ever, I still think if it could be worth it to work on those things that I regret but that can be helped, some other can't and some are not even worth giving them a second thought.